‘I am practical…’
‘I go with the flow…’
We are different but who is right?
You, me or both…
he above four lines say it all. Now that we are well into the new millennium, we have the new demographic of all eligible bachelors of Kashmir (..oops their parents) looking for would be-s; some through ‘Koshur Samachar’ and others through their own Samachar.
Some experience tells me that all of the past generation, including my mother and father were happy with the system of arranged marriage and yes it has worked fine with the procession of time; To produce kids like me who can at least put their thoughts on paper and get a magazine to publish them. So what’s the problem now?
This world of Kashmiris has three types of people. In the first set are the kind of families who have a Kashmiri surname and do the bare minimum to justify their existence as Kashmiri. They announce themselves as Kashmiris, do ‘Herath Pooja’ and still wear the ‘Janehu’. When it comes to the second generation of this set, they still have the name and nothing else and are open with absolutely no social pressure on maintaining the community spirit and marrying within the community. So it’s clear why they marry outside the community. The second set is a little more extreme. They have the surname still but otherwise are typically ‘Generalized Indian or may be American’, didn’t stay in Kashmir after school, studied outside the state or country and then their second generation kids are just like any other Indian/European/American. The Kashmiri who mingles with the crowd! So why should you blame him if he/she marries outside the community.
Well, then comes the complicated third set! This is the only set which gives advertisements in the Koshur Samachar for marriages. They are people who studied outside Kashmir (or maybe not…) but came back before the exodus/war. Wherever they live in India they speak Kashmiri, try to bring Kashmiris in that area together and want their children to also keep up the spirit. Their kids are the ones who speak Kashmiri, know as much about the culture, festivals etc. and are brought up with the idea that marrying outside the community is something wrong. Otherwise, their kids are absolutely the same as the above two categories probably even in dressing sense and in other lifestyle matters. Now, why do THEY marry outside the community?
The story is something like this. Since the child has known that his family will not accept any one else but a Kashmiri, they grow up with this thought in mind so as to not annoy their family. Yet there are two things that happen. The first is that the person blocks his mind against relationships with ‘Non Kashmiris’ and leaves it all for the parents to decide. The second is that since they cannot control some feelings, they get into a relationship going with the flow. If family says no, they marry forcefully (arranged…) still loving the person they loved always. The intersection of the above two people leads to the entire problem that I am trying to point out in this whole essay. This is because everyone knows that the second thing could happen, given that most Kashmiri kids are engineers and Doctors, study and work professionally. Now one may try to calculate probability where the second kind is in marriage discussion with the first kind and vice versa! So when two families proceed with the meeting after matching the Teknis etc., the boy tries to gauge whether the girl is marrying under parental pressure or is she genuinely not into a relationship. The girl is similarly scared to commit to a guy who looks quite ‘modern’ in his views yet says he wants an arranged marriage. Is it a farce! So there is a big gap. This deepens further with ‘reference checks’ which could be fatal for any relatonship to form but affect those in the first group without cause. Given the fact that all her life the girl/boy of the first kind has lived like other kids for who guy/girl friends and being with them is not such a big deal and not a Taboo. In some cases there are also special friends! They spend time together yet without commitments. The reference check tells the boy/girl’s family some story of the girl/boy at the work place and then the gap widens. People confuse the first situation to be the second. Even after 3-4 meetings, while there is the curiosity to really know each other but also the gaps and reports that make one think 100 times about committing. This happens over and over again until one gets into a “give-up stage” for arranged marriages.
Why is it a big problem only in Kashmiris? That’s a million dollar question. Here is my analysis. We are nomads, we have no place to go back to and everyone’s dispersed. There is no state for us where you can find us. After the “give-up stage” if a family comes to a conclusion that maybe love marriages, where boy-girl know each other for a longer time are better, where does the girl find a Kashmiri boy and vice-versa? They live in New Delhi or Bombay; meet thousands of people everyday but Kashmiris? What are the chances? And then to match intellect, thinking, looks, desires, geographical location…Phew!!! It has to be a fairytale to come true.
What you get in the end is an asset, of course!
The father has a big file with about 200-300 profiles of Kashmiri boys/girls with nos. 22/36 etc. written on it. He can again do two things with them. Sell it to the ‘Kabbadi waala’ for 30 bucks or open a job consultancy. But with the current world economic crisis, I think the first option is less risky.
*Antra Bhatt is a 21 year old masters student under the faculty of Economics at University of Macerata,Italy. Before this she studied from Lady shri Ram college, University of Delhi at the Economics department.